You amble westwards to the dim passage that leads to the council chamber.
Jalis is seated at the head of a long table in what looks as if it must be a comfortable chair cushioned with a thick padding. The expression on the Weyrwoman's face is solemn and unfortunately, only the barest trace of a welcoming smile is riding on her lips. She is watching for Ilesyn, so that when the brownrider enters, she gestures gently with the wave of one hand. "Ah. Ilesyn. Very prompt. I like prompt." She says firmly. "Please seat yourself here." Her gestured hand indicates a chair to one side of the table, fairly close to herself. "I'd rather not shout so that the whole Weyr can hear our conversation." She says wryly.
Ilesyn's expression - ambivalent, and mostly unreadable - changes little upon entering the room, as she inclines her head calmly towards the Weyrwoman, and follows her direction. Wordlessly, her hands are placed with her lap, her posture straightened, her head lifted. "Is that for my sake, or for yours?" she queries, at last.
Jalis tilts her head to one side and replies, "For both of us Ilesyn." She studies the young woman for a few moments and finally says, "Ilesyn, I have always considered you a very mature young lady, one more mature and knowledgeable than her years would suggest. You were a good healer, and I heard many good things about you and your abilities to comfort others with your words and advice." She begins, giving Ilesyn all of her attention, meeting her eyes.
"I always thought that a woman of my age was expected to be mature," Ilesyn remarks, though not goadingly - as yet, her manner is nothing if not polite. Again, her head is inclined forward, however, accepting Jalis' words.
Jalis accepts Ilesyn's comments, "That's why I fail to understand this new mannerism of yours Ilesyn. It seems you are having, " she pauses a moment as if searching for the right word, "difficulty adjusting to weyr life as a rider. Can you explain why I have heard complaints that you are surly, uncooperative and even belligerent and disrespectful at times? I have even seen evidence of this myself." A pause and a quick question, "Are you so very unhappy here?" She seeks understanding on an emotional level.
Ilesyn's lips pull together into a hard line, and she pauses for a long time before responding. "As you may well have heard, it was not my intention to Impress. Indeed, my candidacy was more or less a-- false one, as far as I was concerned. I do not understand the desire to ride, nor the willingness to walk directly into death for the sake of others. I cannot do that." She regards Jalis squarely, unsmiling. "I cannot not love /him/, but that love is not enough to make me happy on it's own."
Jalis nods in understanding it seems if she has something more to say on that, but she diverts her questioning to another path, "Ilesyn, why did you accept the Search? Why did you Stand on the sands if you did not want it?" She seems sympathetic, "You are not the only one who has ever felt this way - sometimes to be honest I wonder at myself. "
"Research," says Ilesyn, simply - and promptly lifts her hand as if to stop immediate comments in response. "Do you know many people laughed at the concept of me as a rider? How many though it an insane concept? Enough repetition of that and anyone will believe it -- and I did. I researched what it was like to be a candidate, to understand the mindset. I made a gamble, believing I had a winning hand, and lost."
Jalis sighs softly at Ilesyn's admission. "Ah Ilesyn. This isn't a game, a gamble to be taken and hope you aren't chosen. The dragons are unpredictable. " She stops a moment and then out of no where says "You know, I never laughed at you. I have always thought you could do just about anything you put your mind to." She tells the young woman.
Ilesyn's lips quirk into something of a half smile, crooked teeth showing between them. "I know that," she remarks, rather louder than necessary. "Of course I know that. I've never stopped having to deal with that, every day, for the last nearly two turns. I made a mistake, I have to live with it." She halts, then shrugs her shoulders. "You're one of few, then, Weyrwoman."
Jalis leans forward and says "Ilesyn. I know of a way you can show others that it is true." She looks at her quietly, "Your negative attitude needs to go away. It needs to vanish. You're not helping yourself out with what you're doing, you're only hurting yourself, and you may accidently hurt someone else if you're not careful." She looks at her firmly, "I know you would never want to hurt someone else. You're a healer, healer's heal, they don't try to do harm. Lets look at the facts here." She pauses a moment, "You're a rider now, you will be for the rest of you or Nallath's life. That isn't going to change. You can't reject your dragon, and Nallath was built to be a fighter, to fight Thread." She says quietly, "I don't think he'd be content to accept a life outside the weyr, and no one has ever heard of a Renegade dragonrider, not in a long time, besides which, I really don't think you're the type to set herself outside of everything she knows, to alienate herself without human contact and interaction."
Ilesyn nods her head, slowly. "It's not that simple. Have you ever tried to change your attitude, or opinion, on something, Weyrwoman?" she queries. "I spent many turns - most of my life - considering dragonriders to be suicidal, altruistic fools. I'm /trying/, but I still have no desire to do that. I can't stop Nallath, and I will accept what I have to do, but it's something I'm still having to work at." Her head is shaken, firmly. "I'm not that type. I'm a mindhealer - now, and forever, regardless of what I must do in addition to that."
Jalis nods and says, agreeably, understanding lining her face, "Oh shards yes, Ilesyn. I've not been a Weyrwoman all of my life you know, nor am I perfect. I'm very opinionated, tempermental, and inclined to reacting rather than thinking, so I know that working a change in oneself is very difficult, and often might even feel impossible." She pauses here to let that reverberate within the cavernous chamber. "But you need to work on it. There's no reason why you can't be a dragon-healer, or a weyrhealer or continue helping people's mind's heal. Dragonriders need a lot of help when it comes to their fears, desires and needs and who better to understand all of that than another dragonrider? You may even find riders opening up more to you now than ever before." Another pause, "I know the two turns as a weyrling was difficult to deal with -- freedoms are restricted, curtailed, privileges were taken away, but as a rider, most of the freedoms you had before come back, but unfortunately, you've put yourself into a position where you've got to earn them by doing your best to change." She adds, "I want to try and help you with that, if you'll let me." The weyrwoman's passionate emotions are expressed on her face in her honesty and heartfelt care. "I hope you'll let me."
Ilesyn takes a breath. "I'm getting sick of being told I need to work at it, quite frankly. I know that. And I /am/ working. But as you said, as I said, it's taking time. Weyrlinghood was bad enough to get used to having him there all of the time -- riderhood is worse again, but in a different way. Yes, there are options, and I look forward to that-- but before I can help people, I have to help myself. I know all that." Shaking her head, she closes her mouth again, for a long time, before she finally manages to query, "How? Even a Mindhealer can only guide a person. Everything needs to come from inside."
Jalis nods her head "That's true. But you need to start by obeying rules, forcing yourself into the habit of following the guidelines, the formal guidelines we live by when in formal situations. The disrespect toward your Weyrleader and the Weyrsecond, any person in a position over yours has got to stop, absolutely, or you're going to keep getting punished for it, and each time it will get worse and worse, and I do not want to see that. Work on that first Ilesyn, fall into the habit you had when you were an apprentice at Healer hall." She says, her voice hopeful. "As a rider in my wing, for I hope you realize you shall be in my wing for a while, I expect.. no I demand absolute respect and I demand immediate response to my commands in the form of obediance when we fly Fall, or even within the Weyr. Start with that, and work on your emotions. Come talk to me, talk to others, try to work out your feelings. That's all I can suggest. I am always willing to be ears or a shoulder. I care about the well-being of every person in my weyr -- its why I had you brought in as a healer."
"I haven't been disobeying rules," says Ilesyn, sharply. "Disrespectful, yes, but only in terms of the fact that no matter what rank you hold, everyone is a person - and no one is without fault. If I'm disrespectful, most of the time it's because my opinion has been cast off like it isn't important, like my thoughts don't matter, when all I was trying to do was ask a question." Swallowing, she shrugs her shoulders. "I don't believe I was any more respectful as an Apprentice, I'm afraid to say, Weyrwoman. I will follow commands, and respect orders -- but I /do/ question. And I'm sorry, no matter how much I'm punished, I will not stop questioning." She pauses long enough to breath, and to regain composure - she doesn't look happy, though she's trying. "All right."
Jalis considers that and then replies, "We all may be people, and occasionally may deserve what we get, but in public, especially in certain situations, it is important that no matter how you feel, you maintain an outward facimilie of how you should act and feel. Controling your reactions is important. Questioning is fine, asking those questions is encouraged, but not in such a way as is rude, or demeaning, or abrupt or in any other way disrespectful, I know you know the difference." She says, settling upon Ilesyn a mantle of wisdom and maturity she believes in. "I encourage questions and exploration Ilesyn, but not to the point it hurts yourself, or others, or comes at a time that is inappropriate. With some questions, there are times that just aren't good to ask them and it is up to you to do your best to make a good judgement of the situation." She stops. "That's what we train you for, to judge situations competently and correctly. Those that don't.. well, they don't get far in the life of the Weyr." She says simply.
"You mean graduation," surmises Ilesyn, with another shrug of my shoulders. "To my mind, you were just as rude as I, Weyrwoman - along with the Weyrleader. Perhaps I am wrong, but it seems to me that there was no harm in us /enjoying/ the fact that we had managed to get that far. We get few enough chances at celebration -- and not to laugh at those awards would have been wrong. Your distaste at that, and departure so early, seemed rude to my mind in return. I was rude. I admit that." She continues, taking a deep breath, "I have friends and companions in the weyr, and I will have my work soon enough. I have /him/," evidently Nallath, "And between that, I need nothing more."
Jalis shakes her head and replies, "I'm not talking just about the graduation, which should of been a formal event recognizing your accomplishment, leaving the rest to the party afterwards, I'm talking about other times, the instance that caused J'van's punishment and your wing-change, the lecture Eliwys was kind to give for dragon healing.. situations like those." Then she says, "Rude? Unfortunately, as Weyrwoman, sometimes my job requires me to do rude things, like giving you a look meant to quell your rolling of eyes which to some is disrespectful, or having to leave because of an urgent request for my attention and other emergency situations." She explains. "Which I shoudln't have to explain and should be tacitly understood that sometimes, the Weyrwoman is called away." Then to adress Ilesyn's last comment. "Don't you?? " She lifts her eyebrows. "Well, I can't point out to you that everything life has to offer, you need to discover that for yourself." She says with the slightest of smiles.
Ilesyn's head is inclined forward. "J'van was not answering my concerns, and I was impatient. T'nar insulted me, and as is human, I reacted to that. I'm not perfect, and I do make mistakes. Nonetheless, I do believe that the departure of Weyrwoman, Weyrleader, Weyrsecond and Junior Weyrwoman - at once, and all having clearly indicated that they were not impressed by the graduation, did indeed appear rude. I admit, I certainly do not know the behind story, but it felt rude to /me/. So be it. I realise that I do not rank, and that my opinion does not necessarily have any worth whatsoever. Get a group of young people together, who are excited about having /survived/, and I think formal is a waste of time, and certainly more uncomfortable than it should be. I may be an adult, but I know I prefer what we had, to what might have been."
Jalis considers Ilesyn's opinion and replies, "I'll consider that for the next group.. though I don't know about those hats." Obviously she wasn't very impressed with the hat-giving. "Especially when we've dignitaries from holds and halls around the Weyr come to watch. I don't want to tell you what one of the Lord's said to me after." She mutters something then, which may sound distinctly like 'meddling old fart'.
"I thought the hats were wonderful," avers Ilesyn. "In turns to come, am I more likely to remember /that/, or a speech about duty, and honour? It seemed to me that the Healer representatives were not unimpressed. The holders-- well, that is not unsurprising, I suppose."
Jalis shakes her head and sighs, simply saying, "They were something more suitable for the party afterward however. You'd of remembered them just as well later. But I shaln't try to convince you. Unfortunately for the Weyr, we do have an image of sorts to maintain in front of the Holders and Crafters we serve."
Ilesyn's head is tilted to the side. "Perhaps," she assents. "Though being less inclined towards formality, I certainly don't see a point. I thought most of the Holders though the weyr was amoral and disgusting anyway - though perhaps that's just a prejudice in theory, not in practice."
Jalis points out, "It doesn't matter what we think of them privately. What we do publically does though." She leans back. "So Ilesyn, what can I expect from you as one of my wingriders?"
"I suppose," agrees Ilesyn, her hands returning to her lap, folded nicely. "I'll be doing my best, Weyrwoman, whatever that is. I can't promise more than that."
Jalis nods and replies, "That is what I want, your best. I do not want to ever have to make an example of you Ilesyn, so do your best not to push me in that direction for I will if I have to." She says firmly. "I want all of the best from my riders, and we will train hard to make sure you will fit into my wing seamlessly."
Ilesyn bobs her head, hair flopping uneasily over her face in wooly clumps. "Understood, Weyrwoman."
Jalis smiles then. "I think we'll get on well Ilesyn." She says finally, optimistically. "So I really have nothing else to say that I haven't said already. I think J'van will be talking to you eventually about something." She says slowly, "So I want you to do your best to treat him with the respect he deserves as my Weyrleader." She explains. "Small steps." A long pause, "At any rate, you may be excused now." She says, giving Ilesyn her dismissal.
Ilesyn rises to her feet, nodding her head again. "I can but try. Thank you, Weyrwoman." She turns, and departs.
You amble eastwards to the shadowy passage from the Weyrwoman's ledge.
Posted by Louise at April 19, 2003 10:34 PM