You amble inwards to the Weyrleader's Office.
J'van is sitting at his desk writing on a hide, a frown on his face suggesting that he isn't very happy about his work, his thoughts or...whatever.
Ilesyn raps her fingers against the wall, as she hesitates just outside the office, clearing her throat -- and then going silent again. She looks distinctly uncomfortable.
J'van looks up - and his frown doesn't disappear as he sees who it is. "Ah....Ilesyn. I expected to see you sometime or another...come in." He waves to one of the chairs. "Have a seat. I assume you have something on your mind." Or should he ask, what don't you have on your mind? It's likely a shorter list.
Ilesyn nods, rather hesitantly, stepping into the room further, and taking a seat in somewhat solemn silence. "That's probably my cue to say that I expected that you would expect me, so I decided to play to your expectance and-- but that's wrong, isn't it?" She shifts in her seat, uncomfortably trying to settle. "I'm here because if I weren't, I'd be saying to the world that my ego is as big as the weyr itself, and that I can deal with everything on my own."
J'van settles back in his chair, watching you sit and the listens as you babble a bit. Then a slight smile appears. "Very true, Ilesyn. I consider you too smart, however, to have an over-sized ego. I'm not sure, however, that you don't have an outsized element of fear towards...certain aspects of dragonriding." Is noted softly, half-questioning.
"Fear?" Ilesyn's voice takes on a defensive, almost mocking tone. "No, I'm not scared of dragonriding. I disapprove of the posibilities -- I /dislike/ the idea of self-sacrifice, for the sake of others -- but it doesn't frighten me." Babbling does not cease; apparently, it's like a nervous twitch, along with the twining of fingers through each other, again and again. "I don't think it's fair that we should have to do that, and just go along with it. I don't see /why/. What's the point?"
J'van shakes his head "I think you are denying the basis for your disapproval, Ilesyn. But that's your right, I suppose. As a mindhealer, however, I would think you would evaluate /your/ motives for feeling the way you do as you would others. As to why...." He taps the desk with his fingers as he just looks at you for a long, silent moment before speaking again. "Why did you accept search, feeling as you did? And still do?" is wondered - a question rather than an answer.
Ilesyn drums her fingers against the surface of her breeches, hesitating in thought. "I would say, personally, the basis for my disapproval comes from my own selfishness." Her gaze lifts; it's direct, and very calm. "I know I'm selfish. /I/ don't want to be the one to die for someone else's sake." She continues, fingers still fiddled with, and twisted against her lap, "I accepted search for the sake of my research. There was /never/, /ever/ any suggestion that I would Impress. It was a wrong judgement, a silly belief, and I accept that. I have to live with the consequences."
J'van nods "Yes....you treated search as a game, something to be examined beneath your magnifying glass - and never mind the consequences. Well, your game came to an end, and you lost - you impressed. And you say you accept the consequences - but you only want to do so on your terms. You think only of yourself." He shakes his head. "I had thought better of you. Obviously, your hide is much more important than anything else, is that it? The world will not go on if you are not here to make it go, perhaps?"
Ilesyn's cheeks go pale; she takes in a sharp intake of breath, and holds it, silently. "You all /knew/ that that was my attitude to search. You /knew/, and didn't seem to mind -- and now you berate me for it. No, no," she adds, babbling again, "I should have been responsible for my own actions, but everyone was so convinced. It was the one known thing - 'Ilesyn, Impress? Of course not'." She worries at her lip, with her front teeth, and then adds, more defiantly. "I never claimed otherwise. I never claimed to be benevolent, and altruistic. And I never claimed to be that /important/. I know I'm not. No one is more important than anyone else - but we at least have to have some sense of self-preservation."
J'van shakes his head "Do not put the blame off on us. We make it clear from the time of search that the dragons make the choice and that to be searched is reason to believe you will impress. If anyone said you wouldn't, it is because you yourself gave them the idea." He frowns at you. "Let's face it, Ilesyn. You messed up. You didn't research the consequences of your decision fully - you only looked towards the results you wished for, and not the ones that were potential. If you were so caring of self-preservation, you should have taken that into account /before/ you accepted search in order to further your own ends. Now you can't. You are a /rider/, Ilesyn - there is no going back. The only way out of it is to kill yourself or Nallath - either one works, it has the same result. Is that what you want?"
"No," admits Ilesyn, sullenly. "It's not." She wrings her hands together, sighing. "Yes, I made a mistake. Yes, I admit to that, I won't tell a lie, I won't try and insist that it wasn't my fault. I was stupid, and it was one of those mistakes that can't be solved with a bit of maneouvering, or side-stepping. But going over the stupid things I've done is going to make not one iota of difference, now. Believe me, I've gone through them plenty of times on my own." She pauses, for breath.
J'van nods "I agree with you, actually - the past is past, and it's the future that concerns me now. We need you and Nallath, Ilesyn - we don't have the privelege of allowing you to wile away the days doing nothing while others put their lives on the line - for you.." He smiles "And with no thought to themselves, either, despite knowing - as you have told them - that you couldn't care that" He snaps his fingers "For their own lives."
Sullenly, and very quiet, Ilesyn murmurs, "Thirty-three turns." She nods, taking a deep breath, and hten nods again. "I do not expect you to waste numbers, or any such thing. If you were to do so, I'd most likely wish to examine your head. I just-- surely there is something /else/ that my abilities could be used for?" She shakes her head, waving her hand. "I know, I know. That's not possible. I do care for their lives. I just don't want to be the one who has to make the sacrifice. It may not make sense, it may not be reasonable -- but it is rational. No one wants to die."
J'van sighs "If it were just you, Ilesyn, I'd be the first to put you somewhere other than in a fighting wing. But do you really expect me to believe that you would do that to Nallath? I realize that you didn't wish to impress - but even you cannot be proof against the bond with your lifemate.....have you even taken his feelings into consideration? Would you condone him to a halflife of never fulfilling /his/ purpose? To fight Thread? Do you really think you can stop him from doing so and be happy?"
Ilesyn swallows thickly, and nods her head, eventually. "No," she admits, hoarsely. "I think he /would/ drive me insane, if I tried to do that to-- to him. He's always, always on my mind, just /there/, and--" She breaks off, shaking her head. "So. It all comes down to us being slaves to our lifemates, too. And it isn't that I don't /li-- /need/ him, but..." She inclines her head forward again. "I see your point."
J'van shakes his head again "Ilesyn, you are looking at this all wrong - you are so stuck on your theory, and your disappointment in the way your life is turning out...you are not seeing the bigger picture. Nallath is always there because he is a part of you now...and you are a part of him. You should be perhaps exploring the wondrous connection you have with your dragon instead of chafing against it....and in doing so, perhaps you would find a reason to accept your life as a rider." J'van suggests all this gently - he knows how hard this is for you. "Believe me when I say, Ilesyn, that I feel your pain. I, too, didn't want to impress, didn't expect to." He smiles ruefully "As you see, it gets easier, doesn't it?"
"Then why did /you/ say yes? I'm trying, J'van, I honestly am. I don't hate him," this, evidently, is Nallath, "and I don't wish he were gone, but at least as a weyrling, I'm safe. I may not have time to do much, but it's safe. I got used to that, and especially after we could have sex again, I could cope with it. But now? It's all about graduating, and I don't think that I want to. I'm not /ready/ to face that yet. I've tried the introspection, and I've tried the bliss and rapture bit, but I'm still having to work through it. Yes, it gets easier, I'll take your word for it -- but it isn't easier, yet."
J'van chuckles "Because I was annoyed, actually - I was searched because of a bet between Jalis and Yilisa....their dragons took it a bit further than that, it seems. Or at least Maeveth did. And when I wanted out, Maeveth wouldn't let me go. Ask anyone - I was a horrible candidate, a worse weyrling....until I realized what I gained." He shrugs "Perhaps it took me less time than it's going to take you. So..." He pauses a moment for effect. "I give you a choice, Ilesyn - will you take one or the other of the choices I give you?"'
Ilesyn's brows lift, her expression turning musing. "That was before I got the weyr. I never head that story. I didn't know." Her voice, previously loud and emotional, sinks into something far lower and quieter. She nods. "That is the nature of a choice, is it not? One most pick one, or the other. Picking neither only causes more problems." Another nod.
J'van nods "These are temporary measures only - it isn't fair to Nallath to keep him permanently from what he was bred to do...you understand this, right?" He nods again, as if affirming this himself, and continues. "First choice: You graduate and you fly in the queen's wing until you can come to terms with your life as a rider and the reasons any rider exists in the first place, but with the restrictions I would place on any pregnant or injured rider - no betweening, restriction to the Weyr, extra hidework duties and ferrying duties..." He pauses again. "Second - you remain a weyrling until you can work through your feelings on the issue - with none of the priveleges of a rider barring Nallath's being able to participate in flights as is his wont. Extra hidework and ferrying/resupply duties - you'll have to move out of your weyr back into the barracks, of course." They aren't easy choices, nor cushy ones - but they will keep you safe....isn't that what you wanted? "You will have to find your balance, however, within a specified amount of time. How much time do you think you will need?"
Again, Ilesyn swallows, shutting her eyes as she thinks. "The first," she says, finally, and very quietly. "I don't think I could go back to living in the barracks." Eyes opening again, she adds, folding her hands together tightly, as she bits at her lip, "A few months? I don't know. I /think/ I can do this-- no, I /know/ I can do this. And perhaps knowing that my clutchmates have more... freedom than I, will be an incentive. To that end, I should choose the weyrling option, but I could not go that far, I don't think."
J'van nods. "I agree that you've made the right choice. Even in the queen's wing, Nallath can flame and you won't be inhibiting his basic nature - but you will not be under the direct line of fire.." his lips quirk in a smile "Your potential danger will be quite low, actually, as our fighting wings do not let much through. At the same time, as you say, you will have limits that your clutchmates won't have...and perhaps that will give you impetus to go forward with your life, rather on dwelling on regrets." He sighs. "I wish it didn't have to be this way, Ilesyn. You have a potentially great lifemate and you yourself are smart and sensible and I had...have..such hopes for you. But you need time, and I'm willing to give it to you. I suggest that you work within the confines that I have laid out for you, get comfortable with threadfall in the minimal way you will be involved, accept what you are and....we'll review your feelings in say...three months' time from graduation?"
Ilesyn has little to say to this; there's regret, too, within her expression, and she's solemn - very quiet. She nods, eventually, and agrees, "I think that that will work. I'll do my best, and-- I'll /try/." She breaks off, and then, finally, nods again. "I'll be ready."
J'van nods, and smiles at you "Try to relax a bit, Ilesyn - you take life so seriously..perhaps that's part of your problem. You know, just because you carry these restrictions doesn't mean you can't have fun. There is entertainment within the Weyr, after all - try to enjoy yourself from time to time and laugh at life....it might be easier."
Ilesyn's expression breaks into something of a smirk. "I've sampled some of those entertainments already-- and I rather imagine I'll continue to do so without hesitation. I-- /do/ take life seriously. But not entirely." She nods again, drawing herself towards her feet. "May I go?"
J'van raises a brow. "Ah....did I mention that your....personal physical relations...will be restricted to the off chance Nallath wins a flight?" He smiles slightly "How remiss of me. But really, I'm not sure you are ready to accept other emotional ties if you are not ready to fully develop the one you have with Nallath." He even looks faintly regretful. "That restriction stands as well, Ilesyn. No sex for you, m'dear. It might damage or retard your....working things out." He chuckles "If you'd like, I can give you extra duties to make sure you don't miss it?"
Ilesyn's expression falls-- rather dramatically. "Oh," says she. "Oh." Though there's no mistaking the fact that she's disgruntled, disappointed, at this, she nods her head philosophically. "All of the more reason to-- well, yeah. Ah, no, no. I think I'll manage without the extra duties. Thank you, all the same."
J'van knew what your reaction would be, which is why he clarifies it. "Sometimes the....things that are just out of reach give us a reason to go that extra step, Ilesyn - the lesson worked with me, and I think it might work with you as well.....I hope it will work. Otherwise, I'm not sure what to do with you. Anything else, weyrling, or have I ruined your life enough for one day?"
Ilesyn takes a deep breath, tilts her head back, and then exhales, as if to compose herself. "You're right, of course. It makes entirely too much sense. I suppose that's effective immediately, not just after we all graduate? Having had the mating flights lecture, and all, we've been permitted to engage in such activities." She shakes her head, hands drawn uncomfortably towards her pockets. "Nothing more."
J'van nods "I think the sooner you start, the sooner you will come to some kind of acceptance, hmm?" he points out. "So yes...effective immediately. Wine you may have in moderation, of course....thanks for coming to talk, Ilesyn. I hope it helps."
Ilesyn inclines her head forward, accepting the decision without hesitation. "As you say. You're right, of course. Thank you, Weyrleader. I hope it does, too." If not-- it doesn't bear thinking about, and Ilesyn turns, rapidly, and steps back out onto the ledge.
You amble outwards to the Weyrleader's Ledge.
Posted by Louise at January 29, 2003 05:08 PM